Summer Celebrations Mingled With PTSD
Summer is such a celebratory time of year; and July offers some of the most spectacular! There are parades, picnics, vacations and fireworks celebrating our country’s anniversary. The people, new places and exploding color across a dark sky are exhilarating …. until they’re not.
VACATION
I loved vacations. I was a stay at home mom with our five children and managing that many children while traveling could be exhausting, but it was always amazing.
The biggest parade we ever saw was in Mitchell, South Dakota, many years ago. It was splendid with every imaginable float possible, beautiful teams of horses, music, cowboys and more. The people on the floats celebrated by throwing gifts and a lot of treats out to the crowds as they passed by. Our children were given bags by nearby strangers to store all their treasures in!
FIREWORKS AND RODEOS
And then there were fireworks and a rodeo. But each brought it’s own moments of anxiety…to my husband who had PTSD. While the fireworks brought immense joy to those of us watching, Charles was fighting a battle within, he didn’t want anyone to see.
Each time an explosion occurred, he was back on the battlefield. The bursts caused memories he could not erase from his mind. And even while he enjoyed watching the cowboys wrangle the rambunctious bulls, tenseness would course through his veins as the abrupt movements and sharp noises ricocheted through his brain.
The people surrounding us were wonderful. They embraced the children and made sure they had a good time. Charles was quiet and distant…watching. He felt smothered in crowds, and wary of anything that looked out of the ordinary. He was a Marine, always in fight-and-protect mode.
FOREVER FEARFUL
In the early years of our marriage I thought that was something to be celebrated, until it became what seemed obsessive. He seemed forever fearful something would happen—to me. He worried so much, he became afraid to even allow me to leave the house alone at night to go a business meeting at church, a mere 3 miles away.
THINGS WORSENED
As time passed, things worsened. But PTSD was still not considered a problem or even a concern. Neither of us could understand how the little things mushroomed into big things. It left us exhausted and forever wondering why.
And just as his nervous system was battling, so was his body. He spent months on the ground in Vietnam, exposed to Agent Orange, a chemical meant to kill the dense foliage around the soldiers so they could navigate their positions. It absolutely did what it was supposed to, but it also affected the Marines who dealt with the poison.
ADD HEALTH ISSUES
As the heat and humidity increased, so did the health issues, especially in the summer. His body was deteriorating on the inside and his mobility was increasingly threatened, as well. He often would comment about how at a loss he felt, with so many things happening at once, over which he had no control.
He would quietly recall about the times before all the noise and unknown triggers began affecting him, even though he couldn’t explain it. It’s just something that ‘was.’ Life was busily being lived by most everyone around him, but he no longer felt like moving. And we just didn’t understand.
NOT ‘LIVING’—ENDURING
Instead of ‘living’ he was enduring. The constant doctor visits which had become so frequent, traveling became an issue. Yes, there are plenty of Veteran Clinics around the United States, but they weren’t ‘his’ doctors. This made him uncomfortable, not to mention having to make sure the numerous medications he was on, were adequate to get us through, until we came back.
So instead of our fun vacations, with new adventures we used to take, we’d often stay home because it wasn’t worth the effort to get all that figured out. It became a thing of ‘what used to be.’
HIDDEN BATTLES
While summer is a splendid time of year, for a person with PTSD it can become a season filled with hidden battles. The fireworks, crowds, noise and disruptions to routine may seem insignificant to most people, but they can trigger memories and fears that are impossible to explain.
PTSD AFFECTS ARE WIDESPREAD
PTSD rarely affects only one person. It reaches into entire families, changing vacations, celebrations, relationships and daily life. And often, by the time those around them understand what is happening, years have already passed in confusion, frustration and silent suffering.