Many people celebrate the beginning of the football season with lots of fan- fare! Then in October, it’s Halloween; Veteran’s Day in November along with Thanksgiving and Christmas…and the celebrations continue.
Many have their favorite, whether it’s on the calendar or not; something celebrated every year…even a family camping trip! Dates built into our lives, because they exist on a piece of paper hanging on the wall.
ANNIVERSARIES
Our lives are filled with anniversaries of one kind or another. They’re recognition of something special; important; a time you don’t want to forget with wonderful memories to recall, bringing warmth and familiarity to your life.
DATES ON A CALENDAR
But trauma doesn’t pay attention to dates on the calendar or remember an event with warm, fuzzy feelings. Instead, it’s awakened by sounds—the honking of geese flying south, or the popping of fireworks; or even doing landscaping in the yard. Suddenly, the heart races as the mind is carried back to another time that wasn’t even on the person’s mind moments before.
A person carrying the burden of PTSD is sometimes surprised by the recall of an event like this, and it can completely change the mood of an otherwise wonderful moment.
LOST IN THE MOMENT
I remember, there were times when Charles would go out hunting. He would leave long before daylight, often skipping breakfast, carrying a slice of pumpkin bread to eat while he waited. Sitting quietly in the woods for hours, waiting for deer, should have been peaceful.
But sometimes the leaves rustling in the wind, in the otherwise silent surroundings and startled by a deer which suddenly appears, could transport him back to somewhere else entirely. He’d come back, often empty handed. He’d tell me about sitting and waiting for his target, and then be unable to shoot it.
As he shared his story, I could see in his eyes, even if he didn’t say it, leave where he was in that moment emotionally, and be in another place. His mood would change. He’d be back in Vietnam, fighting for his life, as one hunted.
And the day the bullet found him— the anniversary of that fateful day, July 4th, which was supposed to be cease fire. The soldiers weren’t supposed to shoot unless they were shot at…. He was disarming a land mine…
RECALLING THE AGONY
The visit ‘back to this other place’ wasn’t intentional, it’s just where his mind would go, as he recalled the agony of the fight, the return home, the long recovery, and then the added pain of rejection from so many people who hated the war.
This pain might have been worst of all, because he, along with all his comrades were fighting for their rights to live in a country filled with numerous freedoms, including the right to free speech. Yet some could loathe those who fought for that right.
All I could do was watch as his chest heaved and he’d fight to not succumb to the darkness which closed in. But PTSD didn’t care about it’s victims. The thoughts, emotions, and clarity of those times would lock in, causing those who battle it to even, if momentarily, lose connection with the love and compassion of family and friends.
ALONE IN THE MEMORY
He was alone. Alone in a world that causes a life lived in memory and reality…between the two worlds—what was and what is. Sometimes the distinction was difficult to see. I couldn’t be ‘in’ it with him…all I could do was be there for him, when he finally made it back.
HEALING —ONE VICTORY AT A TIME
This was our world for forty years. Healing didn’t arrive on a single day marked on a calendar. It came quietly… one counseling appointment, one medication adjustment, one conversation, one prayer, one peaceful night of sleep at a time. Recovery wasn’t an event we celebrated. It was a thousand small victories that, over time, became a new way of living, and I’m so thankful for that.