The Defiant Child
“I don’t know what in the world I’m going to do about Larson,” my friend shared. “I’m at my wits end. He was the sweetest little boy, but anymore, he’s moody, mean, vengeful, argumentative, defiant, throws horrible temper tantrums, destructive and beyond impossible!”
“Really?” I asked. “What kind of stuff is he doing?”
“Here’s just one example,” my friend answered, exasperated. “And this is by no means the worst. The other day, he got a hold of one of Raina’s dolls, and of course it was her favorite. He also had scissors, and cut the doll’s hair off. Poor Raina. She cried and cried.
“I took the scissors, told Larson he would not have access to them for at least a week, and sent him to his room while I decided the next course of action. He just looked at me like I was crazy! I hid, or thought I did, the scissors on the top shelf of a kitchen cabinet. While I was folding laundry, two days later, he climbed on top of the counter, got the scissors and cut Raina’s hair, while she was sleeping!”
“Oh my goodness!” I exclaimed. “Have you ever taken him to the doctor about his behavior? It sounds like there is something really wrong.
“Not yet. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid they are going to tell me it’s Oppositional Defiant Disorder.”
“And why wouldn’t you want to know that?”
“I do want to know. Honest. I’ve done some research on it. But I feel like a bad parent.”
“Maybe they could offer some kind of medication to help him.”
“I hate meds. Sometimes they do more harm than good.”
“If Larson is as bad as you are describing, I think it’d be worth the risk.”
After my conversation with my friend, I reflected on my personal opinions about bad behavior! It had never occurred to me there could be a justifiable reason for a child’s meltdown or temper tantrum in a public place. My thought process involved, ‘that child needs some serious discipline,’ or ‘Why is that parent allowing the child to have so much control over them?’
With my own children, even when very small, when bad behavior was displayed, I would ask, “Do we need to make a trip to the bathroom?” They understood discipline would be forthcoming and they quickly changed their attitude or behavior.
What is ODD anyway? After some research I learned statistics suggest Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is exhibited in about one out of every sixteen children. I was stunned! There are several factors that can affect development of the disorder, including genetics and environmental factors. It’s apparently a defense mechanism to anxiety and insecurity in their lives.
There are differences between the child with ODD and the strong-willed child, although it may be difficult to differentiate the two. Defiance is one element which can help determine the difference. The ODD child consciously rejects structure and rules, while deliberately being disrespectful. Further ODD illustrates vengefulness and seeks to retaliate whenever possible those who “annoy” him. Discipline seems to be of no value, since the child will often repeat the behavior or action, sometimes within moments of the discipline.
I admit, I have changed my attitude toward parents of a child with bad behavior, and further, even the child. It may be a case of a parent placating a child, who simply wants the child to no longer give them grief. On the other hand, a display of bad behavior may also be a case where the parent is dealing with a child who has little control over himself, and is at wits end trying to figure out what to do next!
#DefiantChild #OppositionalDefiantDisorder #BadBehavior #discipline #ODD #stubborn-ness #disrespectful
Photo Credit: https://www.dreamstime.com/photos-images/defiant-child.html
My Child Is A Gift
She looked at her newborn son. He was perfect! Ten fingers, ten toes and the doctor said he was healthy. Except, as her heart pounded, he has a cleft palate. “Why did this have to happen to my precious baby boy?” she wondered. “It’s not fair. He’s going to have difficulties he doesn’t deserve. Difficulties I don’t deserve,” she thought ruefully.
Continuing to cuddle her newborn, the “rueful” feelings began to subside, as she realized this precious child, regardless of his “less than perfect face,” was still an incredible gift. “I have my faith to draw strength from,” she thought. “This baby is a gift to Joe and me, and I’m going to give him the best I can give him.”
As parents, we all check out our newborns to make sure all is well, right down to counting the fingers and toes! It’s natural, and it matters not how many babies we birth! We gaze with wonder, with an undeniable, unfathomable love that washes over us, for this brand new bundle of joy we carried for nine months. We already had a love we didn’t realize, long before we laid eyes on our precious child.
While cleft palate isn’t nearly so tragic as a child born without a limb or otherwise disabled, it still requires acclimation, because often we are unprepared to consider anything less than perfect, for the child we carried. It causes us to sit back, and take notice of a world less than ideal.
But there are solutions. Science has moved forward in astounding ways with knowledge and surgery that can ultimately correct most cleft palate situations by the time our children are in grade school. There are distinct inconveniences and struggles for our child, as it takes time to correct any problem, and cleft palate is no different.
Our young one is at risk of self-concept problems since their peers’ question why our child may have speech or hearing problems. There is, culturally, a stigma that says those children considered attractive are also more intelligent, which is certainly not the case. This idea can generate a level of anger, even if moderate, for our child, if others determine he does or does not fit the criteria of attractive. This can be very troublesome for our young one, since he already feels undermined by his own perceived lesser attractiveness.
Eventually, however, with the correct medical attention our child will increasingly become more and more comfortable in the social arena. Usually over time, when treated kindly, children will accept themselves and learn it’s their character qualities that really matter. While it’s true, girls have cleft palate less often than boys; girls may perhaps take longer to adjust to their differences. It’s imperative as parents, we re-assure our daughters (and sons) they are beautiful!
Life isn’t always fair. It has never promised to be. But we, through our faith, dogged determination and responsible characters are able to withstand what life throws us. Our children are priceless regardless of any perceived or actual, physical or intellectual, disability. We, as a culture make a “disability” something to hide, if possible. However, differences of any kind, when treated as a “difference” isn’t nearly as crushing.
Admittedly, it’s hard to think of a significant “difference” equal to a hair, or eye color dissimilarity. Sometimes the variances of ‘abilities’, involve strength of character and resolve we didn’t realize we had. But many parents will tell you, it is their child with all his differences that made the most positive transformations in their lives.
Choose to love regardless of your station in life, differences that seem overwhelming, or circumstances over which you have no control. We’re given one life. Make the most of every moment.
#CleftPalate #Newborn #HealthyBaby #disability #cultureStigma #surgeryForCleftPalate #MedicalHelpforCleftPalate
Photo Credit: https://www.google.com/search?q=free+pictures+of+cleft+palate&client=safari&channel
Is Ignorance Bliss?
My husband and I rarely watch the news. We both find the information depressing, since most of it is bad, and it often evokes anger and disbelief, even as we watch a video clip, assuring us the information is indeed accurate. Now that said, my husband is diligent about checking out the news clips he sees online. In his disgust or disbelief, he will sometimes read the article that has piqued his interest. It makes me wonder if by choosing to not know the news, we find it less stressful than “being in the know” and in a sense have the attitude of “ignorance is bliss.”
We are not alone in our desire to “not know the news!” Recent research submits complex issues like the world, or US financial status, environment, government matters and even energy usage are being blocked by consumers who choose to avoid being informed beyond the barest minimum. It seems many people would rather leave the important matters, they feel they have no control over anyway, best left to the “powers that be.”
Is this behavior any different than the person who chooses to not watch the news, which could make him aware of danger in his community or neighborhood like a robbery or even a murder? He feels ignorance is bliss, because if he knows about “said danger” he would just be worried about his family and unable to sleep. In this case, is ignorance bliss?
What about the little person who believes in Santa, the Easter Bunny or even the Tooth Fairy? Is ignorance bliss? I remember when my oldest made the discovery that we, her parents, supported the idea of Santa. Once she no longer believed, she was both devastated and angry! In her mind we had lied to her. Add to this, as she thought it through and continued to question, added the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy to the equation. I felt so sorry for her on one hand, and guilty on the other for having fostered her imagination all those years. Would it have been better for all of us if we’d just been completely honest with our children about the traditions?
Our grown children have split decisions about this tradition. One, in fact, (the one who was angry with us when she learned the truth), chose to foster the tradition, while three of our children did not, and we still have one son not yet married! As grandparents we need to be aware of each of our grown children’s feelings and decisions on the matter. It again raises the question: Is ignorance bliss?
What about the person who has no knowledge or understanding of a person with a disability? I remember when my children were growing up and specifically in school saying (more than once) “It takes a special person to be a special education teacher….and it’s NOT me!” I had NO interest in that which was different, not because I looked down on them, but because it didn’t seem to relate to me. I’ve learned I was wrong.
I’m not alone in being non-educated in disabilities and having no interest. I’ve discovered it’s actually the ‘norm.’ When I do a ‘live event’ I’m amazed at the people who will pick up one of my books, read the blurb on the back and then walk away. They are not interested. It doesn’t apply to them! —-But it could. In less than a heartbeat any of us could fall into the category of the disabled. An accident or an illness can catapult us or any of our loved ones there!
It is said “knowledge is power.” Does the child feel power by no longer believing in the fantasy of Santa, the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy, or does he feel cheated? Would the knowledge of a prowler in a neighborhood provide power or ignite irrational fear? Is allowing the “powers that be” to make life changing decisions for consumers at large, so we don’t have to consider the consequences make us unaccountable for our personal behavior regarding important issues; yet give us the “power” to blame someone else when things are going badly? Does not educating ourselves about special needs alter our understanding and further, reduce compassion about/for this ‘people group’?
I’m not certain there are any concrete right or wrong answers to some of these questions. But they certainly deserve conversation. Others like those relating to disabilities perhaps do. Consider your own thoughts on “ignorance is bliss” and when or where it applies. Share you thoughts with others!
Photo Credit: https://www.dreamstime.com/photos-images/blissful.html
#ignoranceisbliss #santa #news #EasterBunny #disabilities #disability
Service Dogs
January is train your dog month, and I think dogs are amazing! We had a Golden Retriever we called Lakota, some years back for just over thirteen years. He was a gem. We now have a white German shepherd, Tatanka, who is often known as “T”, who is also special, but with a totally different disposition. ‘Koda” was always loving and just wanted to be your best buddy! He hardly ever barked, but always let you know when someone was around and in given circumstances, would be a wonderful guard dog. (The pic is him with one of our grandchildren many years ago!)
Once a neighbor’s dog was headed across our large lawn, headed straight for our daughter who was eight months pregnant. The lady next door was screaming, “He’s after her,” pointing to our daughter, while screaming at the dog to come back. Koda put himself between her and the oncoming dog. The dog, plowed right into Koda, who was very sore for days, but it stopped the dog from plowing into our Beth.
’T’ on the other hand will bristle and bark when anyone comes in the driveway. Strangers are immediately fearful and sometimes stay in their car until one of us comes out to calm him. While he isn’t the ‘warm cuddly’ type, he absolutely knows his ‘charges’ and dares anyone to cross the line. Four of our 18 grandchildren live next door and T is especially mindful of ‘little ones’ and guards them with his life!
Dogs serve many purposes. Sometimes they are all about companionship, like our Koda was. Other times they are obtained for hunting or other specialized purpose like herd dogs on a farm or even for a disability. All dogs need some amount of training for the basic lessons of house training; no shoes for snacking, etc!
Service dogs for the disabled, takes a special kind of dog, although any breed can qualify! It all depends on the dogs temperament, These dogs need to consistently remain calm, regardless of the situation; be confident in their own skills; intelligent, motivated and social, yet not so social, they are unable to react to their owner’s voice or need, if distracted.
Trained service dogs are in high demand; so much so, there is a waiting list, in years, for some of the highly qualified ones. This has initiated the need for those who need a service dog to train one themselves, although there are guidelines.
It requires a lot of patience and often some insight from a professional trainer (perhaps even from a pet store or online classes), to be able to meet the need of someone who could benefit from having a service —work dog (one who has a specific job to do—retrieve a ringing telephone, or other specific detailed job related to disabilities like autism and blindness, among others) — or a PTSD service dog, who works more as a companion so the person with PTSD has emotional support so he never feels alone, or threatened; therein improving the quality of life for the individual.
I admit, I watch those with trained dogs, often in awe, of how well trained they are. Our dogs were wonderful, but were never trained for such services. While I’d love to pet a service dog when I see it, I refrain, because in the environment I am observing, the dog is working.
Have you ever thought about the value of service dogs? Some people realize the improved quality of life it gives others and will train them for you. But there are those, who will say the dog they are providing has all the qualifications necessary, but actually create ‘service dog fraud.’ I encourage you— ‘beware' when obtaining a service dog. A better option might be to train your own dog with the help of professional trainers for the best outcome!
In any case, be observant of service dogs in public. They are trained to provide a service.
Perhaps you, if disabled, may want a dog for a specific purpose, even if it’s just for companionship. A non-disabled person also can have huge benefits from owning a dog, so long as it’s well behaved! Enjoy these amazing animals!
#ServiceDogs #Service #Dogs #DogTraining #TrainingDogs #Protection #Companionship #DisabilityDogs #Disability
Life Always Changes
We hear it a lot right now. “Life just isn’t what it used to be.” We are facing unprecedented times. A tiny germ upended our lives, and for months threw us into a lockdown leaving us frustrated, isolated and in some cases very lonely, regardless of social media availability, most of us have. Even with the opening of schools and businesses, the threat remains and in medical facilities, masks are still mandated.
Life changes all the time. We grow, change careers, have families and more! Even the weather changes every day. Some days it’s beautifully sunny with temperature in the fifties, other times it’s cold and rainy, while snow falls in some areas reminding us season changes—not just for we humans, but for anything that breathes.
Along with the changes in the weather, friends have a way of coming and going. Friends come into our lives sometimes for a day, other times for just a fleeting moment, but more often, for a season. We nurture the time spent with those we call friends, as forever bonds are shaped, so regardless of time spent apart, the relationship never varies.
Relationships come and go, as well. As we are growing, we find someone to be close to and for reasons as many as a person can count, it doesn’t work for a lifetime. Other bonds are made, altered and changed until finally we find the love of our life that endures for our remaining years. Yet even within the realm of marriage, the relationship changes as we each grow and responsibilities change, and children join the equation.
Even our various forms of work come and go. We take on a job early in our teens to pay for gas to operate our cars and pay for insurance, while we’re still trying to decide what we want as a career. We may or may not like where we are and change jobs, sometimes many times before we become comfortable day after day in our work. Our careers then take over and we are engaged in whatever form of business we’ve chosen and often hang in there until retirement. Yet even here, changes aren’t uncommon.
What’s really amazing, however, is when we find our passion. This may or not be related to our career. Many have ‘working business’ careers but are passionate about fireworks, camping, hiking or quilting or even reading. This is our ‘happy place.’ This is where we are able to relax and enjoy the doing, as well as, the final result.
The best scenario in all this is when our employment intersects with our passion. I’m fortunate in that writing enables me to meld my passion and ‘work’ into one. I have become passionate about writing words that make a difference. This is where I can do what I believe is my ‘mission in life,’ if you will. It’s more than a job. It’s …..my passion! This can never be taken away.
People can ‘lose’ their passion when they don’t feed and nurture it, just like anything else. They lose the value of themselves however, when that happens. And it reflects how they view life. We all need a purpose; and we all have one.
Life always changes, but a true passion that is ‘fed and watered”--- and ultimately believed in --- can become the stabilizing tether to life, when otherwise we lose who we are meant to be.
As we begin a new year, I wonder, what is your passion? Have you found your ‘voice’ in the ‘thing’ that makes you most happy, brings contentment, satisfaction and a sense of worth?
#Life #LifeChanges #SenseOfWorth #Voice #Passion #LifeHasValue
Photo Credit: https://www.betterup.com/blog/finding-purpose
Special Resolutions
Christmas has come. We’ve opened the gifts, picked up all the strewn paper and bows that littered the floor, put away the leftovers in a refrigerator that simply can’t handle anymore, took our naps in order to recuperate from eating too much and too little sleep. Now it’s time to think about next year, 2023. These kinds of thoughts begin the train moving down the tracks of New Year’s resolutions.
Most everyone creates them, even if they aren’t written down. Even today I was thinking I needed to really think about eating more sensibly and nutritiously, especially given all the wonderful junk food I’ve enjoyed over the last few days. I’m not usually horribly concerned about calories, but as age seems to help dictate how calories are distributed, I have to give it some serious thought!
Along with eating better, I’d like to create a sustainable plan for the “business side” of writing, as well as, the 163 other things I seem to be obligated to! The feeling of “overwhelmed” just doesn’t work for me. Time to make changes!
Changes can be hard…..and even harder for the families with special needs children. But’s it’s no less important. When making goals it’s important to write down a plan for success. When we can see our ambitions and targets in print it helps cement our focus to keep us moving toward our plan. This process is even more important for the special needs child because not only can he see the objective, but it allows the family to come behind him for support and encouragement.
Having intentions clearly defined also allows for opportunities of praise on all fronts and this is extremely important for the special needs child. It also grants openings for reassessing and re-setting goals, if that is necessary. Sometimes health issues, travel, financial or other events cause our goals to be turned upside down. We need to know it’s okay to start over. There is no shame in that; in fact it’s completely right to re-evaluate, because stopping or giving up should not be an option!
While making New Year’s resolutions is something most everyone does, including helping special needs children to create goals they can focus on. Special needs parents also, should seriously consider their needs and resolutions, specifically to them.
Special Needs parents are special people! It requires 24/7 dedication, determination and selflessness. Their tireless efforts can leave them breathless with fatigue, even as their hearts are filled with love and satisfaction with every little success.
Remember to take time for yourselves and your spouse, even as you juggle all the financial and medical issues which abound. It’s important to remember to evaluate and revise all the legal aspects of your circumstances, therapies and therapists, and be certain that all paperwork is in order and updated.
Embrace new activities, allow quiet time with books or a good movie, have a date night, remove yourself from all the drama online and do something spontaneous and rejuvenating for yourself and as a couple. Arrange time for adequate sleep, find a support group, and make no apologies for the events in your life or for your very special child.
As part of your unique family, each member brings qualities like trust, love, appreciation, and understanding even if at different levels. The differences of all involved within this framework will remain strong as you laugh, eat, drink, sing, attend events, and grow together. Still change is inevitable. Embrace it, make resolutions and then make new ones when necessary, both for you and your family.
Happy New Year’s Everyone!
If you like this post, please visit my online store for children’s books on special needs: www.paxtonseries.com. Or just click on the ‘Books’ tab at the top right.
Photo Credit: https://www.pexels.com/search/christmas/
The Gift of Christmas
Christmas Eve is this week and I hope despite that you are reading this, you are enjoying this special time with your friends or family.
A friend of mine recently shared his “short list” for those things he was thankful for. It began with Jesus who loves him in spite of him, his wife who loves him just because, his boys because they have to, his family because they do, and friends who love him for who he is not what he does.
His list makes me smile even now. It suggests love on so many different levels. Jesus, whose birth we are celebrating, has loved us since time began and became the ultimate sacrifice. Our spouses love us, even though they know us and are willing to spend every day rejoicing in the good and dealing with the bad. Our children love us as parents, even though as teenagers they seldom understand us. Our family loves us because we are indeed family, even if feathers get ruffled from time to time, and truces are usually formed during special celebrations during the year, like now, at Christmas. And our friends love us because they choose to look beyond our flaws and accept us just the way we are!
Many of us are going through trials on different levels. It may be something like cancer or other health issue, the loss of a loved one, divorce, job loss, or any number of issues. When we can rely on those who love us, however, we can weather the storm and know that eventually we will see a rainbow.
Sharing our love, despite circumstances can come in different forms. Sometimes it’s not a ‘health issue’ in the sense most think about, but rather, a disability that is indeed health related, but goes beyond that idea in a dozen different directions. As you celebrate, remember that those who have disabilities may have need to celebrate just a little different, and sometimes children need extra consideration, as well, especially since they are often unable to grasp what’s going on and why they are different.
Everyday should be Christmas in our heart. Then, even on those days when those who are near us, see us display less than stellar behavior, we love anyway. A good friend said the past few weeks have been very stressful with surgery for her daughter, an emergency room visit with her dad and work. The schedule has left her exhausted and in her words, “contrary!” Her husband looked at her one night and asked, “What have you done with my wife?” Still he loved her. In fact, loving during those times when those we love aren’t at their best is our best demonstration of love. Isn’t that what Christmas is all about; loving unconditionally? Isn’t that why we celebrate the Christ Child?
I encourage you this next week, to love unconditionally. Love with your whole heart. Love begets love, which is best seen in the Christ Child, the gift of Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone!
Photo Credit: https://www.pexels.com/search/christmas/
Great Expectations
Christmas is the most amazing time of year. There is decorating, entertaining, shopping and wrapping, listening to the wonderful, timeless Christmas carols, the smells of pine intermingled with cookies and brownies baking, while children are bright eyed with wonder at the Christmas lights and the “feeling” that is Christmas!
Still, sometimes expectations of our Christmas don’t always turn out the way we’d like. There are families who will all sit around a beautifully decorated table for dinner with all the traditional dishes placed before them, and instead of sharing love, peace and good will, there is hostility, anger, bitterness and a feeling of bare tolerance to just make it through the day.
Discontent and disenchantments seems to happen in every family. It doesn’t matter how people try, there are those who just can’t seem to get along with others. At Christmastime however, people often put aside their “issues” to gather together with other family members, especially at the request of older parents who only have the opportunity to see the family this time of year.
So every one gives their best attempt at being social on the outside, even as they fume on the inside. This “simmering anger” attitude seems to go against everything that is good about Christmas. It mars the heart in giving and receiving. So Christmas comes and goes while the feeling of emptiness and disillusionment abound about what is real.
Sometimes Christmas gets marred by grief from the loss of a close family member. Their passing seems to override what normally would be a happy, festive occasion, because we miss them in our midst. It seems hard to overcome.
Other times we are unprepared for reactions from children who have disabilities/special needs. Sensory responses, too much excitement, changes to accommodate guests, visits to Santa, all the blinking lights and shiny objects, shopping, even sweets which provide so much sugar can cause children to react negatively to our voices, music and gatherings in general.
What makes Christmas? Is it the gift giving, the parties and socializing, winter weather, new ornaments or the tree? Is it in the Christmas cards and paper or pretty bows?
I saw a movie recently about a girl who was not going to make it home for Christmas and a stranger who was going to give her a ride to her home town, ended up making this awful situation something special. They made snow angels in the snow, went for a toboggan ride, had a snowball fight and learned a little about each other, while they fought awful weather the whole way back. Time separated them and the guy the girl met, lost his zest for Christmas. It turned out his mother died at Christmas and part of him died too, much like the loss and grief I mentioned earlier.
When they meet many years later, the girl becomes his “Secret Santa” and helped him remember why Christmas was such a large part of our lives; of his life!
I challenge you to make a list of all the things you remember as being special about Christmas when you were a child. Was it decorating the tree, or even finding the perfect tree? Was it baking, gathering with family, making ornaments or other decorations for the tree? Might part of it have been the Christmas Eve service or the Christmas music? Maybe it was even driving around looking at all the beautiful Christmas lights and decorations in your, or neighboring, neighborhoods?
Whatever your good memory, try to revive it, share it with your loved ones, or start a new tradition as your own little ones grow up; or as grandparents, share this time with your grandchildren.
I challenge you to share some of your special traditions with others on my web page in the comments sections. It’s so much fun to try new things. I encourage you also, to remember that regardless of your traditions, and all the fun things you do with friends and family, Christmas is really about celebrating the birth of Christ. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!
A Special Christmas for Special Children
I was watching a Christmas movie recently where a scene in a restaurant had two gentlemen trying to order food. The waiter was having a terrible time trying to understand what they wanted. A couple at another table noticed what was going on and the woman at the table immediately said, “He wants to order steak. And he (pointing to the other man) wants to order a burger.” There was a bit more conversation between the two deaf men and the woman and an extreme amount of gratitude for her kindness.
As the male friend at the table noted her ability to sign, he was taken aback, because he didn’t know she could communicate with a deaf person. Her response, “My dad was deaf. I learned to sign at an early age. He taught me how important it was to be kind and help someone in need whenever you can.”
What I found remarkable after seeing this movie is reading an article about a Santa Claus who held a small girl in his lap who was having a terrible time telling him what she wanted for Christmas. The momma, standing near, apologized for the girl’s difficulties. Santa wasn’t bothered at all, but asked if she knew sign language and her mother said, yes! Santa immediately began to sign to the little girl who was completely delighted and expressed great joy!
This family isn’t the only one who has challenges during the holiday season due to children with special needs. Traditions remain important, even when they must be planned for and customized for each family or circumstance. When there is a child who is sensory sensitive changes like keeping music low during activities is important as is being sure to shop early in the day to avoid large and intimidating crowds.
Even with all the pre-planning and expectations, things still can go completely wrong. Another family had prepared for a visit with Santa, much like the above situation. The girl was delighted when she saw Santa heading for his chair and waved with excitement. Momma snapped a spontaneous photo with her phone.
However, the little girl in this circumstance became completely unsettled with sitting on Santa’s lap. She refused to pose, smile or in any way become cooperative. The mom was disappointed in her daughter’s response, but recognized, it didn’t matter---not a bit! A visit was made, a picture taken---even if it wasn’t on Santa’s lap. The moment would forever be cherished!
What I find interesting is I remember when my own children were small, with no diagnosed special needs, they too found the jolly man in the red suit frightening! I have pictures with tears! We all have things that intimidate us, whether we are six months, or sixty years!
We all have needs. “Special” should not define us…..and it certainly should not define our children regardless of any pre-conceived notions anyone else has! As you shop this holiday season, visit with friends and family, and attend holiday festivities, remember each person deserves our kindness and understanding. It matters not our differences, race, creed, political preferences or faith beliefs. It’s Christmas! Share the love!
If you like this post on “Special Needs” visit my online store www.paxtonseries.com or just click on the ‘BOOKS’ tab above, to buy children’s books I have authored on special needs. Merry Christmas, everyone!
Misunderstood
My friend tells the story of how as a child, her grandmother seemed to pick on her all the time. Her memory of chastisement nearly obliterated any good memories she might have had as an adult. Once grown she wondered, since most memories were less than pleasant, if maybe her imagination hadn’t foiled all the good things about her grandmother. Then one day while sitting in a restaurant a lady walked up to her table and to her surprise, it was her cousin whom she hadn’t seen since they were children.
Joining them at their table, the cousins exchanged memories and caught up on what they’d each missed since they hadn’t seen each other in so long. At some point my friend’s cousin looked at her husband and said, “Grandmother chose one child in each family to pick on. In Jeanette’s family, it was Jeanette.”
Drawing a quick breath, Jeanette said, “Oh my goodness! I thought it was just my imagination!”
“No,” her cousin said. “It was just grandmother’s way.”
What made this story even more dramatic was several years later Jeanette saw her grandmother again, after being away. In a quiet moment of alone time, her grandmother said, “Jeanette, I can’t tell you how dear you are to me. I am so proud of you and I love you very much.” Jeanette was speechless! Never before, had her grandmother spoken to her this way. The wall that had surrounded her heart crumbled with gladness.
Situations like this aren’t just for grandchildren and grandparents. I think it happens across the board. We live in a culture where misunderstandings are left alone far too long. As a young child, Jeanette completely misunderstood her grandmother. I contend the chastisement wasn’t a deliberate attempt of “picking,” but rather a desire to see the little granddaughter become the person the grandmother thought she could be.
Friends have the same peculiar problem. There is cause for misunderstanding and it’s never resolved, so the friendship is shattered and the bad memory eclipses all that was good. I remember a movie I saw not long ago about two little girls who were best friends as children but as they grew older, competition and self-centeredness altered their relationship until well into their adult lives. Of course in a movie, there is the “story-book ending” and they both apologized and became good friends again. It isn’t often like that in the real world. Feelings are hurt, grudges are held and friends become enemies.
Marriages are no different. Husbands and wives have a disagreement which is left unsettled, allowed to grow, fester and then mutates into something so large, settling the matter civilly is out of the question. The marriage is destroyed, contact severed and all parties involved, including the children, suffer.
In a world where differences in politics, interests, opinions and more seem to separate us, there is another area which often goes it unnoticed. Special needs children are often misunderstood because they are just ‘different.’ People will say unkind remarks as they pass, treat them as less than an ‘optimal’ human being all because a disability has made them different from is considered normal.
Why do we let pride ruin all that we call good? Why is it so hard to say, “I’m sorry?” We all make mistakes; we’re human, and no one is perfect. We aren’t mind readers and can’t make a perfect analysis of every situation. Yet many will even cringe at the thought of apologizing—even if bad behavior is blatant.
Evidence suggests fear of rejection is one reason apologies come so hard, or that it is a display of weakness. It makes people feel humiliated, vulnerable, or that they will somehow lose their authority, power or status. A person may even feel like apologizing somehow makes him the loser, and the other party the winner. And to apologize, means admission of fault or wrong. Without the apology, there is no reason to take responsibility.
I’m glad my friend’s grandmother shared her heart and made things right with her granddaughter before she passed on. The reconciliation will be forever cherished. Isn’t that what we really want; to be accepted and loved? I challenge you to consider if acceptance, reconciliation and forgiveness can be exchanged for misunderstanding in your life, as it was in my friend’s.
Love Your Differences
Birthmarks. It seems almost everyone has one, even if it is small and barely defined. There are those like my daughter who have a birthmark, scarcely visible between two of her toes; a cousin who has one on his leg; a sibling with one on her arm, and an aunt with one on her stomach. It’s no big deal, really. They are small and hardly noticeable.
Of course, there are those whose birthmarks are a little more conspicuous. A sizeable red shaped mark on the back of the hand; a saucer sized, purple mark on the thigh; or dark brown, tennis sized asteroid shape on the back. Again, while they are more obvious, usually there isn’t a lot of negativity involved with peers or bullying associated with these specific markings.
It’s interesting when watching a police television show when the investigating officers will ask the victim if there we any identifiable mark they could remember. It helps in the investigation when there is something unique which enables the officers to be certain they have the right assailant.
However, when the birthmark is large, dark or unusually colored and in obvious places the owner will sometimes incur staring, unkind remarks or questions about how or why they look as they do. Some will even ask if it’s a tattoo, which in a bizarre sort of way, could be taking the edge off “natural birthmarks.”
Of course, choosing to apply “art” to one’s physical skin is different than being born with it. Often body art is associated with something specific; a story behind it, if you will. It can be a great conversation starter and if a person has intense body art exposed, you can be fairly certain, they aren’t going to mind sharing why.
As a small child, being the wearer of an obvious, unusual birthmark, whether it be dots which cover the upper torso, a large dark patch on the face, a mark that looks like an ocean, tree, airplane or other objects, can test courage and self-esteem.
We are all born with different facial features, some people are tall, others short, thin, heavy, dark or light and a plethora of many levels in between. It is what makes us unique. Being who we are is something to be proud of rather than having fears, doubts and thoughts that we are less than equal to any of our peers. Even as I pen the words, however, I understand there are those who choose to bully those who are different.
Differences, are important! It’s what makes a person special. It can be used as a mark of beauty to make us memorable. It may not always fit the “format” of what we believe to be beautiful; but I contend it should! And I write this with a bit of empathy, because I am someone who has never thought herself beautiful—or even necessarily attractive, and believed for a very long time that I was just “short”—not even petite, which sounds so much nicer! As a youngster, I always thought it would be great to be an airline stewardess (they don’t call them that anymore) but I didn’t fit the criteria because I wasn’t tall enough to reach the overhead bins!
Yes, I am shorter than many of my peers, but I wear a smile with confidence because I finally understood, I am just the way God created me. This is good! I am content with my size and accept it as my “normal!” I hope you can too, regardless of any difference you may have—-or believe you may have!
Photo Credit: https://create.vista.com/photos/birthmark/
Empathetic Compassion
Our current world is filled with uncertainties. Some have lost jobs, educational methods are totally altered, doctor’s visits are done electronically, and shopping has become more internet involved than ever before.
With this state of being and living--- how do we maintain relationships? How can we learn from each other if we can’t even be together? How do we teach our children the way to interact with other children and even adults, when there is no interaction?
I remember many years ago when we were doing some traveling in our RV, we stopped at a resort which was largely older seniors. Our young son (then age 14) was with us at the time and he became the ‘love’ of the community. He swam laps with an older lady simply as a companion; he played a game of cards in a hall of ladies who gave him pennies to play, after they taught him the rules; he chatted with the maintenance people; and interacted with each person according to their needs and abilities. It was amazing to watch the relationships build, especially since we were only there for less than a week!
I read recently about a lecturer who ran a contest, to which he was the judge. His goal was to find the most caring child! While that seems odd to me, it’s also interesting. I have the belief that children are naturally compassionate and often their leanings toward ‘nastiness’ is something learned, although I know that’s not always the case and just part of their personality —-and that the idea of ‘me and mine’ is something every child and parent must work through.
The winner of this particular contest, (and I have no idea how it was run or any of the particulars,) was a four-year-old who comforted an elderly neighbor. When asked by his mom what he said to him, the child responded, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.” (I tried to find the source of this story and the only thing I could find is in part of a book “Life Lessons, the Journey” by Wade Yarchan).
The empathy of the small boy touched my heart. At a time when physical human contact is discouraged, it demonstrates that there is nothing greater to impact another person, than other physical human contact. It’s how we were created. Don’t misunderstand, I get the idea of staying safe and away from those who might make us sick, because they are sick. But to totally isolate us from each other as healthy individuals, to me, is cause for concern—at least for those of us who are all about the hugs and nearness of other folks!
So I’m curious, has there been a time when you or your child entertained (or was entertained) by an adult who was the most unlikely companion? My son’s interaction with those folks at the resort, from my perspective, was totally unlikely! They were retirees who seemed to me, wanted to be with other retirees, not a young teenaged boy; yet he was able to relate to them and they in turn, invited him into their circle! This is life as it should be.
I hope you’ll share if you've had any similar experience!
Photo Credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/basket-blur-boy-child-208087/
Accidental Overdose
I heard what I thought was the strangest comment recently: “I am feeling very tense today and agitated. This morning I took an accidental overdose of meds and now I am woozy and dizzy. I just don’t feel right. My doctor said my blood work is all off kilter. Well, no kidding!”
As I pondered the statement and felt my eyebrows furrowing, I found myself wondering how on earth that happened. Of course, it really isn’t that difficult. You just have to be distracted and take too many of one, or mix up the combination if taking more than one kind of medication. Or even being in so much pain, you make the decision that one pill made you feel some better, then certainly one or two more would really take the pain or discomfort away.
The ramifications of this happening can be huge; hospitalization due to increased respiratory rate, a significant rise in blood pressure, or chest pain. It can be a lesser reaction like rash, sleepiness or confusion, but just as important. Sometimes mixing medication can cause a reaction which damages specific organs causing all kinds of problems. An overdose of any kind of medication, depending on the person’s health and metabolism can cause death.
According to an article I read, fatal drug overdoses have increased eleven years in a row (and this may be a low number)! That amazes me. And apparently the trend of overdoses is coming from prescription painkillers. That not only amazes me, it frightens me. Three fourths of the deaths are coming from drugs like Oxycontin and Percocet and the numbers of these types of deaths are outnumbering the deaths from heroin and cocaine combined. That is chilling. And sadly, it doesn’t need to be just prescription drugs which can cause an overdose. Even over the counter drugs can be deadly.
The anecdote I began with was certainly an accidental overdose. And there are those situations where little ones, toddlers or children who are curious about everything, find a bottle of medicine and without a thought take some. Statistics show often when one child takes pills in this situation, if another child is present; the problem is compounded because the first child will “share” with the second. But what about those who intentionally take prescription drugs with the hope they never waken, because they have no hope and only want to rid themselves of the despair that blackens their world?
When I think of the young people who are so frazzled, depressed, and overwhelmed by their world they reach for something so dramatic to take away the pain, my heart breaks. We live in a world where people often forget about other people. We are so caught up in our own little dramas every day we often miss the signals from others who are drowning in situations far worse than our own.
When you address the Special Needs population the statistics for overdoses and suicide are staggering. Some reports indicate that young people with disabilities are committing suicide are 11% compared to the 2% for non-disabled. Our world is not kind to a person challenged by a disability!
Many will wear a smile and be cordial and pleasant in public, but when left alone, sink far down in the miry muck they call their life. This type of despair is especially difficult to recognize. Others will become belligerent and angry at everyone and act out, giving very clear signals there is a problem. When the problem is finally noticed what is done about it? Do we scold and tell them how awful they are rather than addressing the real issue? Do we love them unconditionally, letting them know it matters not what their world or problem is, we still love them enough to help them see the light?
Our world is rapidly changing, and sadly not for the better. There are so many adversaries which attack us every day and when we consider our youth who are vulnerable by the mere aspect of their age and inexperience, we need to love them more than ever. We need to let our young people know emphatically, there is nothing which separates them from our love.
Alcohol, Babies and Consequences
I read the story recently of a family who adopted an active, but loving little boy just over a year old. They enjoyed his energy and affection until he hit his teen years. Overnight, they said, everything changed. He went from being defender of the weak, to being a bully. He stated, emphatically he would no longer be part of their Christian family, but rather serve from the dark side.
Drugs and alcohol, along with a new set of friends, became his constant companion. The change not only altered their son’s life, but the entire family. As he merged into adulthood, the symptoms continued unabated, causing police action. It wasn’t until he was nearly twenty years old that he was finally diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome. With funds depleted, due to expenses of court costs, etc., and trying to help him maintain a semblance of livelihood, his parents were totally drained.
What is so incredibly sad about this whole story is it could have been avoided, had his mother not drank alcohol while she carried him. This is worsened by the knowledge that these kinds of situations occur daily, regardless of medical information telling women who are pregnant, nursing, or even trying to get pregnant not to drink! The damage done to these unborn babies is staggering, and irreversible!
It was interesting that I had a person this week, who was interested in the disability books I write for children if I had any books on children with parents and substance abuse. It begs the question: Why do women who are pregnant drink? In the above case, there wasn’t much data available to pregnant women about drinking when this little boy was carried.
While “do not drink too much” might have been suggested, there wasn’t clear data to prove and urge caution. But as more children display the neurological changes from cells damaged from alcohol, often very early in the pregnancy, although data shows it can happen at any time during the gestation period, clearly alcohol has incredible negative side effects!
Women don’t set out to harm their children, at least not intentionally. Alcoholism is destructive to everyone it touches. Life doesn’t always turn out the way we plan, and those who have a problem coping turn to alcohol to “drown their sorrows.” They don’t realize their “escape” is potentially a devastating poison to their unborn child. Further, trying to get an alcoholic to abstain from drinking while pregnant is nearly impossible. It requires a commitment financially and emotionally many are not willing (or able) to sustain.
Our children are the joy of our lives, yet we put them in danger every time we take a drink of alcohol while we carry them. We harm them in a way that can never be reversed. They can’t heal from it. There is no “magic potion” or medication currently, to change the outcome.
This causes a huge ripple effect. It obviously affects the biological mother, and family. As an adoptive or foster family, the couple find themselves in a situation they hadn’t planned. The unwanted, uncontrollable behavior puts a strain on everything they believed in as parents. It isn’t a parental breakdown however, but the consequence of prenatal alcohol exposure.
It’s easy, as a passerby, to judge a child who is “terrorizing” everyone around him, or having a major meltdown in public. Don’t judge. This may be another child, another victim, of fetal alcohol syndrome. It’s time we get informed and do what we can to curb the tide on this disease that is destroying our children’s brain, one cell at a time. Make a difference today. Get involved. Get educated. Don’t drink if you are pregnant or nursing. Your child’s well-being depends on it!
Life Runs On Code
I heard the expression recently, “Life runs on code.” As I thought about this idea, even though I know this thought process is supposed to focus on computers and technology, I couldn’t help but wonder, if we, in a bizarre kind of way, don’t run our lives, “on code.”
Each geographic area in the country has its own “code.” In and around Washington D.C. the code is politics! There, it seems, everyone lives and breathes the whole political agenda which often includes deceit, manipulation, and back-stabbing to get to the top. That’s not to say all political people are such offenders, but on the whole, most people would place a politician in or near this category.
New York has the stigma of being the “go-to city!” It’s big and boisterous, never sleeping, vibrant with activity twenty-four hours a day. It’s all about culture, theatre, big business and money-making! Indianapolis is all about the “Indianapolis racetrack.” Here the Indy races are held with much fan fare, as well as, the NASCAR races. People even kiss the track bricks when they win!
The Dakota’s are known for buffalo, Indians, cold and snow! Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse Mountain draw people from all over the world. The Black Hills, where the movie “Dances With Wolves” was filmed, offers breathtaking views in an area where people still remember their neighbor during a storm and offer assistance and kindness just because they can!
California boasts Hollywood, the ultimate place of becoming someone else in the movie world; along with Los Angles and San Francisco, more cities of great enormity and alternative view points. Texas is big, with deserts and thriving cities; while Florida, called the Sunshine State, is crowded with retirees searching for the “good life.”
Tennessee’s Great Smoky Mountains offer seclusion in a laidback life style in an area of unique beauty. Dolly Parton said it best in one of her songs about God’s special paintbrush, filling in the colors of His very own coloring book! The hills filled with smoke like fog, vibrant color, streams and water falls, wild life and the sweet aroma of honeysuckle, lilac, and sweet pinesap, invites even the most cautious trail blazer to drink in the beauty.
Our lives could easily be described as being experienced “in code” due to our workplace, where we live, and our daily activities and even how we celebrate holidays, be it Valentine’s Day or Christmas! We all want very much to fit in and be a part of where we call home. Yet, it’s easy to get caught up in cynicism and wrong doing, in our “dog eat dog” world. When we immerse ourselves in believing good supersedes evil, love trumps doing bad things, and understanding overrides negativity, this is how we’ll lead our lives.
Our daily walk through our personal beliefs ultimately, becomes the code by which we choose to live. It doesn’t matter what our geographical area. We still might get caught up in what surrounds us, but we have resources where we can find the answers to all our questions. We can search our hearts and know the “code” we are following, is or is not, ultimately right for us.
But what about the code ‘of the disability people group’? It seems there is a code for this, as well, and it has nothing to do with geography. Sadly, these folks are often forgotten, and misjudged, bullied and considered less than ‘the optimal human being!’ I suggest (strongly) otherwise! Each person has an element about themselves which they often hide from the general public. Those with a disability don’t always have the ability to hide what others can see, regardless of how they wish different.
Our code of perception often needs to be ‘reset’ so we can see these precious people for the warm, kind, productive people they can be, when we allow it!
So, I challenge you to look at your life. What code do you follow to make choices and decisions? Do you just attempt to fit in? Or, do you take a stand to make a difference?
Photo Credit: https://www.dreamstime.com/photos-images/code-running.html
The Gift of Sight
We were traveling across country when the call came. “There’s been an accident and Will has a serious eye injury. The winter storm here is intense, and the roads horrific but we’re driving two and a half hours to Rapid City to the ER there. We need your prayers.”
Hours pass and finally another message. “We’re being airlifted to Denver. They are telling us that Will, will likely never regain vision in that eye again. There was bleeding in his iris, a corneal abrasion and the pressure was so high it was causing optic nerve damage.”
Our hearts were breaking as we prayed for our grandson. The next morning another message. “We have a miracle! By the time we reached Denver, Will had regained sight in his eye. He is on medication, and he isn’t out of the woods yet, but he should completely recover!”
My story has a happy ending, but that isn’t always the case. Accidents causing eye injuries in children is fairly commonplace, given the sports our kids play, chemical accidents, toys with flying fragments or even fingernail mishaps. Our accident was a result of kids playing, but it was freak in the sense that Will walked into the line of fire of a flying object after leaving one room and popping into another.
My daughter’s nursing experience gave some sense of control, but the emotional toll was still devastating. As a parent, the last thing we want to have happen is accidents to our children. We often take our sight for granted, never giving thought to the consequences, should an eye injury occur.
Statistics show about 90 percent of injuries to the eyes are preventable when wearing safety eyewear. Sports is one arena which causes significant eye injuries. When you are considering hockey, archery or darts it’s easy to see how this can happen. But BB guns, bicycling, basketball, baseball, boxing and any sport that includes a racket, are also substantially noteworthy. In these areas, it’s especially important care is taken to safeguard the eyes, although it seems it seldom happens, especially in professional circles. This phenomenon, makes it doubly difficult to enforce protection for children.
Using a lawnmower, welding, or using other equipment is another instance where eye shields are encouraged. There have been times when my husband came in with pieces of sawdust, a small piece of metal (which required a trip to Urgent Care), or other debris which can be projected up and into the eye, causing significant pain and damage.
In college (and in high school) we were always instructed to wear the “protective glasses” provided, when doing labs in Science Class. I remember students who balked and flatly refused to wear the eye gear, until being threatened with a 0 for the day because they would not be permitted to participate if they did not follow the instructions.
We take our sight for granted until that fateful moment when there is an injury that steals that unique blessing of the ability to see. I encourage you to be mindful of situations where sight in ourselves or our children are at risk. Disabilities happen. Sometimes it’s carelessness; other times it’s an accident we couldn’t have seen coming!
Photo Credit: https://depositphotos.com/167477650/stock-photo-mountain-glasses-reflection.html
Everyday Challenges
My husband and I have watched the movie, “Centennial” many times. It’s one of our favorites. It’s filled with historical clashes and challenges for the settlers and those who would work hard for progress as they moved across the country. It is interesting…and sobering how very different “progress” is defined by different people. Some fought for land and a new way of life, while others fought for gold.
Cattle were driven north and then sheep were introduced to the landscape. The railroad brought its own share of changes, followed by the automobile and further development. Some of the changes resonate positively with me, while others leave me sad and grateful I didn’t live in that time era. Yet, mostly the idea of “pioneering” seems like such an amazing adventure for those who would be willing to take the risk, albeit, even for everyday challenges!
My friend shared how her silverware drawer broke and considering that both her grandfathers were skilled carpenters, opted to tackle the job herself. With Dremel in hand she followed the directions twisting her body into the cabinet, drilling, screwing and working on the desired repairs. Project complete, she realized her original measurements were inaccurate leaving it less than optimal.
Even though she wasn’t totally successful, much like those courageous pioneers years ago, at least she tried! I’m certain I wouldn’t have! I am not mechanical! I’m grateful however, lacking as I am, others are enabled to take care of such issues! Yet, I can’t help but regret the lack of courage to try something challenging out of my comfort zone.
There is a purpose for each of us and mine seems to be putting words on paper. But does this mean I shouldn’t try something that frightens or intimidates me? I have one daughter who thinks nothing about sticking her head under the hood of a car and making a reasonably accurate diagnosis about an engine problem. All I can do is notice something is amiss. Another of my daughters is skilled in the medical field and another in business. I have a son skilled in computers and a remarkable artist and yet another son skilled in water management, maintenance! In each of the areas where my children excel, I lack horribly!
Still there is another kind of challenge many people face every single day which takes more strength than I can imagine. The parent who has a child with disabilities has a job 24/7 which he hadn’t always planned on. Sometimes when a little one is first born, there are surprises with the abilities or non-ability expectations. The parents of a little one with disabilities are incredibly courageous because they face everyday obstacles many of us can only imagine. These are very special, strong people.
For whatever reason, these parents were ‘chosen’ to care for a special needs child. It doesn’t mean there aren’t problems, and rarely are they professionals. Still they are the perfect ‘fit’ for their child, and often will tell you their little one provided them a view of life they’d never have witnessed had they not been gifted this child.
We each have gifts and abilities. Whether it’s being a doctor, mechanic, computer tech or a parent, especially of a special needs child, using all the gifts we’ve been given to do our very best, we can be productive and have joy and peace in a job well done. In so doing, we can live a good and happy life.
How do you use your talents and gifts?
Photo Credit: https://pixabay.com/images/search/challenge/
Defining Our Lives
It is fascinating to observe the diversity of house structures. There are single story, sprawling buildings; thin two story homes; ranchers; cape cods; barn type arrangements; split level; tri-level, and a host more! Some have large, expansive porches, others no porch; some have pools and tennis courts, some boast elaborate landscaping or a neat, well kept garden, while others have a simple bush or flower bed in front and others invite animals with dense undergrowth.
I am partial to plantation houses and also large cabins you will likely find in a wooded area. The plantation houses with wide columned porches and hallways within are a reminder of another era, long past. The cabins also reflect another generation and part of our pioneering history.
It’s also interesting to consider the people inside. Are the occupants a reflection of their home? Do those inside a plantation home share the values of a Southern state a hundred years ago? Or are those who live in ranchers, those who like the idea of ranching even if funds and geography doesn’t allow it? Do the surrounding landscaped grounds echo the beauty we see or does the uncut grass reverberate a person who doesn’t see the need for a neat and tidy living area or is he perhaps in need of assistance because he is no longer able to keep up?
There is something elegant and beautiful about tall corn stalks and tall trees. Yet I absolutely detest low bushy brush areas, especially around a house. I find it unnerving and want it cleared away. It creates tension and unease. When a defined horizontal line in the sky is added on the horizon, the picture changes to beautiful, and completely calming, giving stability and order.
What about our lives? Do we live our lives with defined structure? If someone were to define your character would it include a theoretical design? What would your shape be? Would there be straight lines going vertical and horizontal like a box or a building including windows for others to see in and a door for entry? Or would it be round implying no real set boundaries but rather going with the flow or complete passivity? Or would there be lots of jagged edges like the brush denoting spurs of tension and discord?
How we live our lives can be defined by boundaries and structure, or “freely” without care of limits inferring lack of responsibility and concern for others. To live without responsibility creates jagged lines of tension that tend to annoy or even bring harm to someone else because of the sharp edges, much like the low brush that makes me uneasy. It seems in this environment, the dark side of life seems to creep out and startle others.
When our lives are lived with at least a measure of boundaries, we infer trust and consistency others can depend on. Our “straight edges” give stability even when the world seems to be crumbling around us. It’s calming and reassuring, giving a picture of peace. This isn’t to say there aren’t moments of “sharp edges” when days are filled with problems we weren’t prepared for!
So I you to encourage you to consider how others picture your lives. Does your life reflect order, stability and peace; or does it mirror discord, unhappiness and strife? If you aren’t happy with what you see, is there something you can do about it?
That isn’t always the case. You can’t change your height, your family genetics or a disability. These are elements in our lives which remain constant. Yet, like the houses mentioned, there are changes we can make ‘on the exterior’ by weight loss or exercise if needed, a hair style change, wearing contacts instead of glasses, or even a wardrobe change.
Internally, we can increase our education, change jobs to maximize our gifts and talents, create a new ‘friend circle’ which is encouraging and positive, learn a new language, adjust our habits and move to new levels in life, or a hundred other options.
Perhaps today is the time to accept responsibility and make changes.
Photo Credit:https://better.com/content/how-to-choose-between-different-types-of-houses/
Simple But Significant
I tend to gravitate toward simplicity. Complicated just ruins my day and frustrates me. That might be why Math is so challenging.—at least College Algebra! There are way to many steps to get to the right answer! I like order, so I am a list maker by nature and even used this strategy when I had numerous steps necessary to get a Math problem complete.
I make them for everything; from the traditional grocery or shopping list, to cleaning and what’s in the freezer, or books I’d like to read. It seems to help keep me headed in the right direction as to what comes next. I don’t necessarily number them in urgency priority. I guess I figure that out as I go along.
Having a list, I’ve found, not only keeps me grounded but helps at the end of the day when I can see all the tasks boasting a huge scratch out, that I’ve accomplished something for the day. It seems to give added significance and purpose to what I’ve done.
We all need affirmation from time to time that what we do is not only necessary but worthwhile. One of the quickest ways for me to find myself sinking into despair is to have that feeling of worthlessness. And it might sound silly, but when I can’t “see” what I’ve done, I get this awful sense of failure! I feel like I’ve wasted time and often, when I’m feeling this way I am easily overcome with fatigue. It’s more physically draining than having worked hard!
Someone shared a story about a kindness she’d witnessed where a woman drove into this large parking lot, exposed two large Tupperware tubs which had holes cut into one end, serving as entrances, so the large pack of cats who lived in this parking lot and unlikely living space, could find food and ultimately even shelter. The tubs were pushed back out of the way, but accessible to the felines. It’s possible she could have rounded up all the purring critters, and taken them home. But that might not have been practical and this solution kept things simple!
I suggest, as odd as this story sounds, this woman had a simple, significant purpose and to carry out the task successfully must have given her great satisfaction. Isn’t that what we all really want out of our day to day existence? It goes beyond just “finishing a job.” We want to do the job, do it well, and know that it’s appreciated. I suspect the cats in this case, were extremely grateful for this selfless act of kindness.
People are of greater value than cats. I encourage you to consider the people in your life; those you see every day or even those you have minimal contact with, but are part of your weekly routine. Is there a simple act of kindness that would give you a solid sense of purpose? Sometimes we avoid people who make us nervous, like a disabled person, or a CEO who we are certain finds us unworthy of his friendship, or even a homeless person who we don’t know—and perhaps likes it this way!
Make a list! Be creative and write down the many significant ways (even the little ones!) you could keep simplicity in your life, have a sense of order, yet a solid sense of purpose. A disabled person might need your encouragement with a small act of kindness or even a smile! A CEO might need a simple ‘hello’ (good morning or afternoon), or small tin of cookies or cupcakes to brighten his busy day. A homeless person could probably use a $5-$10 gift card from a local fast food place.
We are all given gifts, and some would say “some perhaps more than others”. It’s easy to feel intimidated by someone who has much—or different from us. Regardless of your status—-or differences, be thankful for all your gifts…and share with others as you are able. You will be filled with a sense of accomplishment and the recipient will be filled with immeasurable gratitude.
Photo Credit: https://www.dreamstime.com/photos-images/kindness.html
Uniquely Human
I was reading about a little boy in southern France, back in the 1800’s, who for much of his young life, lived in the wild. When he was found, his only sounds were grunting and growling. It’s hard to imagine such a tragedy being truth. This sounds like something you’d only see in some dramatic television show.
What is sad, is not only was this child’s ability to communicate with others completely inhibited, but also the ability for him to form thoughts and express his feelings and emotions. His inner self was bankrupt, not because he had it and lost it, but because it never had a chance to form and grow!
The ability to think through, identify and share our innermost feelings is unique to the human being. We have the ability to empathize, understand, share, feel anger, fright, joy, excitement, and anxiety. And what’s more, we have the capability to share each of these feelings with others. We also have the potential for achievement and fulfilling dreams.
As youngsters we imagine what we’ll be when we grow up. Little boys often dream of being a race car driver, firefighter, cowboy, policeman or farmer. Little girls want to teach, be a nurse, a momma or ballerina. As the little ones grow into teenagers the boys want to be a veterinarian, programmer, engineer, or biologist and girls want to be photographer, author, clothes designer, or model. We are given the ability to consider all our options due to life experiences and education, weigh the odds or pros and cons from a variety of different perspectives, reflect on our own feelings regarding each of the options, and do the necessary research to finally make a good decision about what we want to do with our life.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to be unable to communicate how I feel with others or make a decision based on my likes, dislikes, education, and natural abilities. Yet, there are children world wide, while perhaps not nearly in as bad a shape as the little guy in the 1800’s mentioned in the opening paragraph, who live a life completely depleted of many of the basics of life most of us take for granted. They are starving for food, in need of medicine and decent housing, robbed of an education, emotionally wrought and craving for tender loving care.
To be human is a unique gift, yet sometimes we not only forget it, we don’t even think about it. It’s fascinating watching my grandchildren grow. As a parent I was awed as I watched them change from newborns, to toddlers, preschoolers, teens and finally adults. But those changes were intermingled with the task of parenting, work and “life,” causing fatigue and missed moments. As a grandparent, the joy of just “watching” is wonderful! To see my grandchildren grow within their specific families, at all the different stages without the obligation of “parenting” creates it’s own joy.
Children are an amazing gift we, as parents, grandparents and as a society, should cherish, rather than let slip away. They learn from us the importance of communication skills, how to show love and respect for others and how to use their unique human abilities to make a better world.
Do the children in your “corner of the world” see demonstrated, the best in human qualities? Perhaps this is the time to reflect on how we project our own communication skills. Do we like what we are projecting or should there be some positive changes?
#uniquelyhuman
Photo Credit: https://www.istockphoto.com/search/2/image?mediatype=photography&phrase=communication&page=2